I have been getting so many messages regarding this topic…And believe me, I tried to ignore it but prayed about it for so long.. I believe that now is the right time to share my personal experience on this…. Sensitive topic as it is, this is my reality.
When Pat and I were just dating; I was young and still a little immature. I was confident in mostly everything except his past. Knowing that he has a son whom he adores with someone he used to love, not to mention, a very good-looking person… brought about the feeling of INSECURITY in me. I remember the times that Pat would ask me if he could go to her house and visit Jazz. Of course, I would always show support and give my strong YES. But honestly, I would feel quite uneasy. I would start creating crazy scenarios in my head, over analyze certain things, look at my watch every now and then, blahblahblahhh.. All these I would do BUT all without Pat knowing. As far as he was concerned, I was totally fine. I never really told him how bothered I felt because I was quite confused as to what I was feeling– do I tell him I’m bothered because he was going to his ex’s house? But in reality I knew he was simply visiting his son, which was a perfectly legit reason. There were even times that he would bring me to see his son but every time we would reach Jen’s home, I would opt to stay in the car and wait for him patiently outside the house. There would be debates in my head (probably the entire trip to her house) whether I should go down or stay in the car. I just didn’t know my place. I didn’t know how to act. I did not want to make pa-extra. I did not want to be a distraction. I did not want to show disrespect in any kind of way with my presence. I did not want to do anything that may cause him not to see his joy. I remember clearly the times that Pat and I would meet up after he would visit Jazz. BOY… his smile and his kwentos… he made me forget all my insecurities.
HE WAS GENUINELY HAPPY and that MADE ME SO HAPPY!
I eventually got used to this kind of set up. I would still have my insecure moments here and there but I learned to let it go. It became a routine that I got used to and slowly I was able to ignore. Until we got engaged.
As happy as I was, the thought of being a stepmom lingered in my mind. I tried to ignore it as much as I could by wallowing in the excitement of marrying the love of my life. But I knew… this was something I will have to face sooner or later. And so I silently prayed. Every single night I prayed.
What do I do? What is the “right” feeling for this? How should I be? How should I act? So many questions I just could not seem to answer or even come close to answering.
No matter how sanay I was with our routine, this was going to be a little bit different now. I knew that I was not only going to have to learn how to have a relationship with Jazz, my husband’s son, but I would eventually have to have some kind of relationship my fiance’s former girlfriend, the mother of his child.
About a couple of months into the planning of our dream wedding, I woke up extremely bothered. I remember starting my morning devotion but I just couldn’t concentrate. I had an urge to reach out to Jen (weird right?!) I did not tell ANYONE about this, especially Patrick. I did not want anyone to influence what it was I was feeling. If I were to do this, I wanted to do this according to what God was putting in my heart.
After a week of fasting and a day (I tried to delay… hehe), I decided to go for it and send her a text message. I thought to myself, “Lord, bahala ka na. You know what’s in my heart. If this is from You, then all will be well. If this is Your plan, then Jen will reply.” And in less than 5 minutes from the time the message was sent, I got a reply. Take note, we haven’t met. I introduced myself and asked if we can meet to talk. She agreed. Iba talaga ang Panginoon!!!
We met. We talked.
I assured her that I would be a good Tita to Jazz. And that I will be supportive in anything and everything that is and will be good for him.
It was casual. It was peaceful. It was nice. I knew in my heart that this was definitely God’s plan. God took away all my insecurity and replaced it with genuine admiration. He took away jealousy and replaced it with compassion.
On the way home, still stunned with what happened, I messaged Pat saying I needed to talk to him. It was very important.
When I got home, I started our serious talk with- “Love I’m sorry I lied about where I went……” (pang suspense lang! hehe) I ended it with – “..and Jen allowed Jazz to be part of our wedding”.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN PATRICK’s FACE LIGHT UP WITH SUCH JOY.
He hugged me so tight. He thanked me over and over again. He said he loves me a million times. He was so happy. And so was I. That was all that mattered to me. I wanted my (soon-to-be) husband to be happy. It was absolutely worth it. It was beyond priceless.
I have nothing but respect for Jen because she is the mom of Jazz. I know my place in Jazz’s life. I am and always will be his Tita Nikka, who loves and cares for him genuinely.
From that time on, my testimony of how good our God is just continues to strengthen me.
When you seem to struggle with certain feelings like insecurity, lift it up in prayer. Don’t stop. I promise you HE answers prayers. He did with me and so He will with you. Just wait and trust in His perfect time.