MY THIRD CHERUB – OUR BABY “B” GARCIA

10 March, 2017 - Baby | Family | Lifestyle | Motherhood | Relationship

Yes, my husband and I were pregnant with our baby number three. I found out last January 23, 2017. We were so excited and we were counting the days till we can announce and share with everyone the overflowing joy and pure bliss that we felt…. We told our family and close friends and I even hinted about this blessing when I would do Instagram live. I simply could not wait…. We were going to have another baby!!!! Another wonderful blessing!

Isaiah 55:8

 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

The day before we were going to announce our pregnancy…March 2, 2017. The toughest day of my life. The day my heart was shattered into pieces. Early morning, I experienced spotting. We were not so alarmed but I consulted my OB right away. I updated her and she frequently checked on me. I went to the hospital later that morning. We went for ultra sound and our excitement quickly turned into sorrow. Pat and I found out that our baby’s heartbeat had already stopped, which is the cause of my bleeding. Why? I too do not know. I guess we will never understand why things are the way they are. We just lift it up to Him who does. My doctor spoke to me and said that we can do DnC but this would be an operation similar to that of a caesarian. I was not ready to be operated on. I guess you can say I was in denial. I did not want to leave the ultra sound room, I wanted to wait a little longer just in case my baby’s heartbeat would come back. She recommended for us to go home and to decide if we wanted to go through the operation or another option is to allow my body to let it take its natural course. We went home in non-stop tears but still with the hope of some sort of miracle to take place.

March 3, 2017 –I started to experience labor in the morning. From someone who has never experienced this before (I was caesarian for both Michelle and Patrice), boy, was it scary. I started contracting and I remember counting the intervals. I was alone at home when this was happening. I was shaking and becoming delirious from the pain I was feeling. I knew something was wrong. I called up Pat to tell him to come home right away because I wanted to be brought to the hospital (he was in the school of Michelle). The pain just took over and I just kept clinging to Jesus, asking Him to help me get through this. I was bleeding non- stop. I cannot even begin to describe how scared I was. I stood up from my bathroom floor to grab a pillow to hold on to, and when I struggled to stand up, my baby came out of me. I held my baby in the palm of my hand. I cleaned him/her. At this time, I remember asking forgiveness from my baby. I just kept saying that I was sorry. I grabbed the first box I could get and placed my baby inside before I passed out from exhaustion.

I remember waking to Patrick’s hug. No words spoken. Just the tightest hugs that assured and gave comfort. We cried together. We prayed together. It was painful. It was heart breaking. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. We had just lost our baby. Our little Bean.

We buried our baby the next morning. We buried him/her right beside my grandfather, my Papeekins. I wish no parent will ever experience burying their offspring. Ever.

That night, Pat had taping so I was left with the girls at home. I was okay or so I thought… I put both girls to sleep. Sat on the corner of my bed… Silently said a prayer. Michelle, out of nowhere hugged me from behind and said “everything is going to be okay mama”. And that’s when tears just continuously flowed down my face. She hugged me oh so tightly and fell asleep soon after even as I continued to break down.

Patrice, on the other hand, has truly been all smiles. And believe me when I say, she really was and has been extra smiley and sweet towards me. I guess my girls feel for me. They can tell that there is sorrow inside of me for them to actually put in efforts to somewhat ease the pain I was feeling despite not understanding what was going on.

I have always had strong faith. I know that my God is good and that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this and I believe it. Though I never questioned why God would allow something so terrible to happen, I asked God this time why of all the times, I couldn’t feel His presence. I yearned for Him to just hold me tight… now more than ever. Sometimes I felt that He was so far away. But then I realized something. There were and still are so many people who have reached out to me. And that has encouraged me so much. I feel the love of God through these people. And I will forever be grateful to them.

Now you might wonder why I would share this story. To be honest, I guess it is my way of coping. This is my way of letting it out. This is my way of accepting and moving forward.

To all those who have messaged or called both Pat and I, thank you from the very bottom of our hearts. You have no idea how much of an impact your support and kind words has had on us, especially me. All your messages encourage me to stand up amidst the pain.

To all the women who have experienced losing a baby – please allow me to hug you ever so tight right now. There are no words but I know that a simple hug goes a long way. I lift up a prayer for you. You are not alone. My tears go out to you. My heart reaches out for you.

A reminder to myself – Nikka, it’s okay not to be okay. Just remember you have two beautiful girls and a husband who needs YOU. Stay strong for them because they deserve to have the best wife and mom. You will probably never get over this but you need to stand up from this. It is time to move forward…You need to move on.. One step at a time. One day at a time. God loves you.. Always remember.

To our family – Each one of you are so amazing! I could not have gone through this without you. Talk about a major support system!!… I could not ask for anything more. Thank you for always being there for pat and me. For always making time for me, whether it is simply to listen when I would cry over the phone or to give me space to allow me to process things on my own. Thank you for the non-stop prayers. I am who I am because of all of you. I love you!

To my husband – Philippians 4:13… “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us”. You are and will always be the best “YES” I have ever made. I love you so much Pat. Always and forever.

To my BABY “B” GARCIA – My bean…. My baby… My beloved….You are so precious to me. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. SO MUCH! You will always have a special place in our hearts. We will see you in heaven ok, sweetheart? Wait for Mommy. Give my Papeekins a hug there for me! Again, I love you my baby number three.

We lost our baby but we now have an angel.

 

Abba Father,

 I do not understand. I will not even try to understand. But I know that You are a good God. I am confident that You love me so much and that You just always want what is good for me. I know that there is a reason why this happened to my husband and I. Whatever it may be, Lord, I trust You with the entirety of me. May I continue to glorify You in everything I do…. During the good times and the bad. Thank You for Your unconditional love. Thank You for protecting me and my family. Thank You for a new day. Thank You for the opportunity to know more of You. I love You, Father. I will be still because I know that You are my God.

 In the mighty name of Jesus Christ,

Amen and Amen.

Sharing with you versus I cling on to at this time…

Prov. 3:5-6

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”

 

John 14:1

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.”

 

Psalm 62:8

“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

 

Romans 8:18 

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

 

All Glory and Praise be to our God.

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34 Comments

  1. WanderWoMoM

    So heartbreaking Nix! Praying for you and your family! God has better plans for Baby B! Hugs and kisses to you and the girls!

    1. Mary

      I am so sorry for you loss, it is different for everyone after a loss, but yes, I felt like I had a beautiful present swiped away, I am heartbroken too. Keep the Faith! Been thru the same… it is sad.. still sad .. but never question god.”And at all events that occur in your life, you have to constantly remind yourself – I am not my own. I’m not a master of my own fate. I’m not the captain of my own destiny. I’m not in charge of my own life. I belong to God

  2. Candice

    I had the same experience when I had a miscarriage 5 years ago. I highly recommend Heaven is for real by todd burpo, this book definitely helped me overcome and heal my pain. God bless you, Nikka and family. ❤

  3. Dhie

    I feel the pain. I feel the sorrow. Hindi man tayo pareho ng pinag dadaanan pero pareho ng tanong sa Diyos na bakit, ive been looking for help. Or prayer partner na puwede kong sabihan ng mga pinag dadanan ko sa buhay, kasi parang feeling ko walang makikinig, walang Diyos na tutugon na parang ang layo. Im sorry kung dito ako nag shashare. Nag hahanap kasi ang ng mananampalataya na puwede kong sabihan ng mga bagay bagay sa loob ko. Kasi ang hirap hirap na walang mapag sabihan, yung wala akong maramdaman na presensya ng Diyos. Yung nakakabaliw sa kakaisip, yung gusto mo na lang mawala ng parang bula para tapos na lahat ng sakit at lahat ng problema. 🙁

    1. Weng

      Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Madaling mag payo pero pag nasa situation kana mahirap pala. Lahat ng sakit mararanasan nten. At tayo mismo Ang gagawa at iisip ng solusyon sa mga problma ntn. Nakakapagod…Sa katawan at lalo sa isip. May mga problema na hndi na nten control. Try God. Give Him a chance na pumasok sa Buhay mo. Let God control your life. Trust Him this time. And see what God can do to change your life.

  4. Joyce Tumpalan

    As i read ur blog, all d pain that i felt back when i lost my baby girl. She’s already 8 mos. In my womb when i lost her. Ur blog is so inspiring, thank u.. God bless u & ur family.

      1. Joyce Tumpalan

        Hi ohsang.. Natuyuan po ng tubig, & stress po, i had a problem po kc that time.. Na-hospital po ako nung 7mos. N sya, na-bedrest ako.. Di nadin po cguro nya kinaya s loob ng katawan ko..

  5. emee

    hi nix, Dili gyud ko katugkad sa imong gina feel , ang Ginoo magahupay sa inyong pagbati sa tibuok pamilya. God bless ☝🏼

  6. irma

    Katulad nyi din po aq nawalan ng baby..for 5 years ng hintay kme ng baby ,binigyan nmn kme un nga lng 1month plng aq preggy binawi n smen..sme po nanyari sten..nawal din heartbet ng bby q..2014 n un ngyari sken pero hnggng ngyon naiiyak p din aq pg naalala q un..alam q nararamdaman m ngyn ang dami tanung sa isip n d masagot..d2 lng po aq kht d tyo personal n mgkakilala..plge lng po tayo mg dasal..hnggng ngyon ala p din aq bby..love u po mis nix..

  7. Jane

    God may always be with you and your family. Im so sorry to hear what you and Pat have been through. I dont know you but I have been following you for a long time. I know in my heart that you are an amazing mother to both of your gorgeous girls. Stay strong beautiful!

  8. Vanie

    Hi Ms Nikka,

    Felt the pain while reading your entire blog. I too, is a mom of an angel, two lovely angels. I know how devastating it is to hear your OB saying that your baby no longer has a heartbeat. Saw you and Patrick at Asian hospital last March 2 and noticed that you two feels so worried. I Have not experienced a full term pregnancy, but I’m still keeping the faith. Prayers to you and your little angel, maybe our little angels are playmates in heaven. xoxo

  9. Lyra Nadine

    Stay strong and keep the faith po! God will bless you more because of your unfailing trust and love for him 👆🏻❤️

  10. ella

    same tayo ms. nikka.. I lost my baby on the same date (march.02) at first, na experience ko din magka spotting I thought its a normal in the first trimester, when we visit my obygne nagka mild bleeding na din ako pero. in my TVS I saw my baby & may heartbeat na sya pero mahina pa. my obygne advised me for a complete bedrest.. that time kahit na bedrest ako, im super happy.. dahil in my 8years of waiting and for 4x’s of a blighted ovum case na in the 2nd month, di naggo grow ang baby, and di ko nakikita na buo ang baby ko sa ultrasound, its a miracle for us na finally nakita ko yung tummy ko na may fetus at heartbeat na.. but all our happiness is gone nung nagtutuloy tuloy na pagbi bleed ko on the 2nd of march, on my TVS my baby is gone. di ko na tuloy alam kung magkaka baby pa ako dahil im in a high risk of pregnancy.. but im still hoping & praying na sana… sana.. kahit isa lang. im ok, physically but emotionally not yet pa.. dahil dami naming pangarap sa pagdating SANA ng baby ko.. 🙁

  11. Tin

    Despite what had happened, you’re still on your faith and I admire you for that, thank you for sharing inspiring verses. Whatever your going through may you surpass it and continue to be a blessing to others. Your blog is one the greatest one I’ve read. I admire your kindness. Godbless you Ms. Nica and your family.

  12. CandyAndi29

    I was crying while reading your blog. So heartbreaking.. =( Felt the pain on what you’re going through dahil naranasan ko din yan. Im a mother of two angels. My 1st pregnancy didnt push through dahil blighted ovum then yung 2nd ko cord accident naman ang dahilan. My husband and I lost our baby at 18 weeks just a year apart lang sila. I was devastated nung sinabi ng OB ko na wala ng heartbeat ang baby ko. Sayang dahil baby boy pa naman. Di biro ang hirap at sakit na naranasan ko para lang mailabas ko siya. Dagdag pa yung pain na nararamdaman ko dahil sa pagkawala nia. Sa panahong yun ang hirap po talaga magpaka tatag..yung acceptance at healing process ay di rin madali. Importante talaga yung support ng family sa ganitong sitwasyon at higit sa lahat mas pagtibayin pa lalo yung faith kay God. Thank you for inspiring me Ms. Nikka. Nakaka amazed yung pagiging positibo mo sa buhay lalo na yung matibay mong faith kay God. Big hugs for you..stay strong. Everything will be ok. God bless you and your family.

  13. Akai Aquino

    Hugs,Nikka ❤ Our baby Maxine earned her angel wings when I was 20 weeks pregnant. ( Feb 22, 2017). My baby was healthy and the problem was the infection I had. I delivered her alive but she passed away because her lungs weren’t developed yet. I was just crying the whole time inside the delivery room. She was then a little baby- complete toes, fingers, etc. We cremated her and placed her in the columbary after two days because we left her in the pathology to know what the infection was. I was really devastated because we were praying for a baby girl… but just last week, another hurdle came. My husband was asked to do an angiogram to check for blockage in the heart. I felt everything was handful. I was on the verge of breaking down—- i was still on pain and i was fearing of losing my husband. I was so worried and scared because we have two boys and they are still young if something happens to my husband. I prayed hard to God and to our Angel Baby Maxine…. thank God, no blockage in the arteries. I think it was a wake up call for me, not that I have to forget the pain of losing our baby. But i realized that I still need to focus on my husband and two boys. The realization somewhat helped me cope with the pain and lessen the pain. Whenever i’m sad, i pray to our Angel too…
    Love and prayers for you, for all of us moms, and for your family.. ❤

  14. Maria

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son too and there is nothing harder than losing your child.No parent should ever go through that pain. It was only through prayers that I was able to stand up and be a parent to my other son. You are one strong lady. Continue to pray for strength and seek comfort from the Lord

  15. Klai

    Hi Nikka
    Hugs for you..I feel you, we lost our 2nd child our baby boy (our eldest is a 4 yr old girl) last January 3, 2017 same day he was born..It was a full term pregnancy a scheduled CS on my 38th weeks however he only lived for 5 hours..He was a healthy baby boy APGAR score of 9/9, 7lbs., 51cm long…I saw and heard him crying, breastfed him and even whispered I love you to him in the OR but I never had a chance to hold him as I am under general anes… I never encountered problems while I’m pregnant although my blood type is O neg. and my husband is positive we did all the precautions we needed to do exactly what we did with our first born.
    Like you I never questioned God instead our faith became stronger, we hold on to him, he have better plans for all us..I guess being a mother gives us great strength, it’s unexplainable… Use this strength to go on to move on, as parents we will never learn how to move on knowing we lost a child…We will never be ok nor perfect but we need to get better for ourselves and for those people who also withdraws strength from us… I hope you find comfort knowing that you are not alone…

  16. marj

    Hi! I feel you nikka,we are almost the same.last january 25 we found out that i am pregnant.last week feb 28 i had spotting,i went to my ob and had an utz the baby is only 6 weeks and no heartbeat.my ob gyne advise me to take a bedrest and utz again after a week but the spotting did not stop..last march 9 during the utz we found out that i already had a miscarriage and advise me to have a d&c..i was emotionally drained.you are not alone nikka.i feel you.sobrang tama yung nasa blog mo ganun tlga yung pakirmdm.you are not alone.kumukuha tayo ng lakas kay lord at sa ating pamilya at mga kaibigan.may magandang plano c lord for us.

  17. Hannah

    Hi Nikka, I don’t know the feeling, but I can imagine how painful it is. Praying for your fast recovery and comfort from our Lord. God bless you and your family.

  18. Mary

    I am so sorry for you loss, it is different for everyone after a loss, but yes, I felt like I had a beautiful present swiped away, I am heartbroken too. Been thru the same. It is sad and still sad. But keep the faith.

  19. Anne

    I feel you Nikka, the only way to feel blessed is to think… If our baby was here with us, we would tell him about God, now it’s God telling him about us.

  20. SARAH

    ‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops .. What if Your healing comes through tears .. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know Your near .. What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise..” Blessings – Laura Story

    You are always blessed, you gained an angel in heaven .. It is really hard and painful for a mother to let go of our child knowing we won’t see them anymore. I admire you for having the courage of sharing this moment in your life and for accepting what God has planned without questions and anger.. But I know the Lord has better plans for you and your family .. If He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it 😊😊 Sending lots of hugs and prayers Godbless always 😘

  21. Sally

    I feel you Nikka. Me and my husband lost our supposed to be eldest child. I got miscarriage at 11 weeks. That was 6 years ago but until now I still remember the pain, i was heartbroken. Sobrang sakit! But I know God has a reason for everything.
    You’re still blessed because you already have two healthy baby girl. Me, I’m still waiting and praying to get pregnant again after that lost. I know in Gods time He will grant our prayers.
    Just keep the faith! And stay strong. ❤️

  22. Sally

    I feel you Nikka. Me and my husband lost our supposed to be eldest child. I got miscarriage at 11 weeks. That was 6 years ago but until now I still remember the pain, i was heartbroken. Sobrang sakit! But I know God has a reason for everything.
    You’re still blessed because you already have two healthy baby girl. Me, I’m still waiting and praying to get pregnant again after that lost. I know in Gods time He will grant our prayers.
    Just keep the faith! And stay strong. ❤️

  23. TINE 😘

    Hello nikka ., ganyan din nangyari sakin lst year baby has no heartbeat it just stopped. I went on a D&C procedure .. its so sad tlg but everythings happens for a reason. Be strong girl 🙂

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