Yes, my husband and I were pregnant with our baby number three. I found out last January 23, 2017. We were so excited and we were counting the days till we can announce and share with everyone the overflowing joy and pure bliss that we felt…. We told our family and close friends and I even hinted about this blessing when I would do Instagram live. I simply could not wait…. We were going to have another baby!!!! Another wonderful blessing!
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
The day before we were going to announce our pregnancy…March 2, 2017. The toughest day of my life. The day my heart was shattered into pieces. Early morning, I experienced spotting. We were not so alarmed but I consulted my OB right away. I updated her and she frequently checked on me. I went to the hospital later that morning. We went for ultra sound and our excitement quickly turned into sorrow. Pat and I found out that our baby’s heartbeat had already stopped, which is the cause of my bleeding. Why? I too do not know. I guess we will never understand why things are the way they are. We just lift it up to Him who does. My doctor spoke to me and said that we can do DnC but this would be an operation similar to that of a caesarian. I was not ready to be operated on. I guess you can say I was in denial. I did not want to leave the ultra sound room, I wanted to wait a little longer just in case my baby’s heartbeat would come back. She recommended for us to go home and to decide if we wanted to go through the operation or another option is to allow my body to let it take its natural course. We went home in non-stop tears but still with the hope of some sort of miracle to take place.
March 3, 2017 –I started to experience labor in the morning. From someone who has never experienced this before (I was caesarian for both Michelle and Patrice), boy, was it scary. I started contracting and I remember counting the intervals. I was alone at home when this was happening. I was shaking and becoming delirious from the pain I was feeling. I knew something was wrong. I called up Pat to tell him to come home right away because I wanted to be brought to the hospital (he was in the school of Michelle). The pain just took over and I just kept clinging to Jesus, asking Him to help me get through this. I was bleeding non- stop. I cannot even begin to describe how scared I was. I stood up from my bathroom floor to grab a pillow to hold on to, and when I struggled to stand up, my baby came out of me. I held my baby in the palm of my hand. I cleaned him/her. At this time, I remember asking forgiveness from my baby. I just kept saying that I was sorry. I grabbed the first box I could get and placed my baby inside before I passed out from exhaustion.
I remember waking to Patrick’s hug. No words spoken. Just the tightest hugs that assured and gave comfort. We cried together. We prayed together. It was painful. It was heart breaking. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. We had just lost our baby. Our little Bean.
We buried our baby the next morning. We buried him/her right beside my grandfather, my Papeekins. I wish no parent will ever experience burying their offspring. Ever.
That night, Pat had taping so I was left with the girls at home. I was okay or so I thought… I put both girls to sleep. Sat on the corner of my bed… Silently said a prayer. Michelle, out of nowhere hugged me from behind and said “everything is going to be okay mama”. And that’s when tears just continuously flowed down my face. She hugged me oh so tightly and fell asleep soon after even as I continued to break down.
Patrice, on the other hand, has truly been all smiles. And believe me when I say, she really was and has been extra smiley and sweet towards me. I guess my girls feel for me. They can tell that there is sorrow inside of me for them to actually put in efforts to somewhat ease the pain I was feeling despite not understanding what was going on.
I have always had strong faith. I know that my God is good and that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this and I believe it. Though I never questioned why God would allow something so terrible to happen, I asked God this time why of all the times, I couldn’t feel His presence. I yearned for Him to just hold me tight… now more than ever. Sometimes I felt that He was so far away. But then I realized something. There were and still are so many people who have reached out to me. And that has encouraged me so much. I feel the love of God through these people. And I will forever be grateful to them.
Now you might wonder why I would share this story. To be honest, I guess it is my way of coping. This is my way of letting it out. This is my way of accepting and moving forward.
To all those who have messaged or called both Pat and I, thank you from the very bottom of our hearts. You have no idea how much of an impact your support and kind words has had on us, especially me. All your messages encourage me to stand up amidst the pain.
To all the women who have experienced losing a baby – please allow me to hug you ever so tight right now. There are no words but I know that a simple hug goes a long way. I lift up a prayer for you. You are not alone. My tears go out to you. My heart reaches out for you.
A reminder to myself – Nikka, it’s okay not to be okay. Just remember you have two beautiful girls and a husband who needs YOU. Stay strong for them because they deserve to have the best wife and mom. You will probably never get over this but you need to stand up from this. It is time to move forward…You need to move on.. One step at a time. One day at a time. God loves you.. Always remember.
To our family – Each one of you are so amazing! I could not have gone through this without you. Talk about a major support system!!… I could not ask for anything more. Thank you for always being there for pat and me. For always making time for me, whether it is simply to listen when I would cry over the phone or to give me space to allow me to process things on my own. Thank you for the non-stop prayers. I am who I am because of all of you. I love you!
To my husband – Philippians 4:13… “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us”. You are and will always be the best “YES” I have ever made. I love you so much Pat. Always and forever.
To my BABY “B” GARCIA – My bean…. My baby… My beloved….You are so precious to me. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. SO MUCH! You will always have a special place in our hearts. We will see you in heaven ok, sweetheart? Wait for Mommy. Give my Papeekins a hug there for me! Again, I love you my baby number three.
We lost our baby but we now have an angel.
I do not understand. I will not even try to understand. But I know that You are a good God. I am confident that You love me so much and that You just always want what is good for me. I know that there is a reason why this happened to my husband and I. Whatever it may be, Lord, I trust You with the entirety of me. May I continue to glorify You in everything I do…. During the good times and the bad. Thank You for Your unconditional love. Thank You for protecting me and my family. Thank You for a new day. Thank You for the opportunity to know more of You. I love You, Father. I will be still because I know that You are my God.
In the mighty name of Jesus Christ,
Amen and Amen.
Sharing with you versus I cling on to at this time…
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.”
“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
All Glory and Praise be to our God.